Apparently some people will just never grow out of their childish hypocrisy. Hate to break it to you, but the real world is not black and white. Sometimes people will do things that you don’t like or understand. But you shouldn’t judge them for their actions, because you will never be able to understand where they are coming from. And even if you don’t like it, you certainly should not go around gossiping about them and stabbing them in the back. Interesting, isn’t it, that the common denominator in all of the drama surrounding your life has always been you? The worst part is that you apparently refuse to see that your own actions have hurt others. So get off your high horse and stop judging everyone else.
July 4th, 2011 at 1:40 am
Posted in Life;
I’ve been feeling extremely apathetic lately. As in, I just don’t want to do my schoolwork anymore. I just want to bury myself in books and fanfiction and read all day long and lose myself in words and other people’s lives and worlds. I don’t want to think about my own life and how miserable and lonely I feel at college. I keep thinking about what-ifs and maybes, all the shoulda, coulda, wouldas coming back to haunt me at the end of my undergraduate career. Maybe it’s because I feel like a failure at my cell biology class. I’ve realized over the years that as a perfectionist and a type A personality, I tend to shy away from anything that makes me feel incompetent or less than perfect, even if my definition of incompetent or academically inferior is other people’s standard for success. Or maybe it’s because I’m so tired of always holding myself to such a high standard, always working so hard to maintain my 4.0 cumulative GPA, that I’m just plain burnt out. My procrastination seems particularly worse this semester for some reason, perhaps because it’s my last semester as an undergraduate. I’ll be graduating with my bachelor’s degree in May and I find myself in the uneasy but not uncommon position of not knowing what I want to do with my life.
I never thought I would find myself here. I’ve always had plans, goals, mapped out everything from start to finish. Then last year I realized I’m not cut out to be a doctor; everyone always says I have the empathy and compassion to work with patients but I’m not so sure about the practical parts of being a doctor. I’m book smart–tell me to think, to write, to speak eloquently and I have no problem at all. Put something in my hand and tell me to do something with it and I just stand there and look uselessly at you. There’s a reason why I don’t cook and why I usually weasel my way out of doing anything in labs. So I turned my attention to getting a master’s in genetic counseling, which handily requires all of the same prerequisites as med schools do, meaning I didn’t just waste the last three years of science classes. I’ve been shadowing a genetic counselor for a semester now, three hours a week, and I enjoy it and I like the kind of work that it entails, I really do, but at the same time, it leaves me yearning for something a little more.
Lately I’ve been thinking about Ph.D. programs in psychology. I’ve put out some feelers, talked to some of my professors about my interests and my research experience and all that jazz. Everyone says I have great credentials, the problem is just focusing on a specific interest area. Which I am extremely reluctant to do because I like EVERYTHING. Okay, maybe that’s exaggerating a little but I’ve been accustomed to dabbling in a little bit of a lot of different fields over the years (social psych, developmental psych, education policy, multicultural approaches, cognitive psych, etc). I don’t want to make a choice because what if I choose wrong? What if I choose wrong, and I go to the wrong school or program for grad school and waste a horrendous amount of money just to continue being miserable? I desperately wish there was some kind of interdisciplinary PhD program because ever since I was a child and read a book about Leonardo da Vinci being a Renaissance man, someone who dabbles in a little bit of everything, that’s been my unspoken inspiration. And now everyone is telling me that I just can’t do that and I have to make a choice and it’s driving me crazy as I endlessly obsess over a million different scenarios and decisions. It’s so agonizing and frustrating and I wish I could peek into the future and see what lies ahead for me.
Today I lost my undergraduate research mentor.
She was so young, only thirty years old, so her death was very unexpected. I had just started working in her Cognition and Communication Developmental Lab (CCDL) the previous semester in August 2010, but I liked her immensely and admired her for her intelligence, her openness to working with and helping students, and her genuine passion for her field of work. She was a self-professed overachiever, with a Ph.D. and a tenure-track position under her belt before she even reached her thirties, but she was also very firmly grounded. She always had a smile on her face, always had her office door open to students, and was always always always excited when talking about her research. It sounds like a cliche but it truly is hard to believe she is gone. My last email from her is dated yesterday, January 12, talking about upcoming plans for the spring semester.
I am just bubbling with so much sadness, not just for the loss of such a vivacious and brilliant professor, but also for all of the research that will never be done now, for all the knowledge and inspiration she possessed that is now lost to students, and for everything she left behind. She had two graduate students and fourteen undergraduate students (myself included), working on various research projects in her lab. No one knows yet what will happen to her research; several of the projects were funded by grant money and the agencies may not allow the grad students or other faculty members to step in and take over on the research. She was doing such wonderful work, and the things she was exploring had the potential for real-life application in children’s academic and social development. Her death is tragic, both because she was young and because of all the things she will never be able to achieve now.
I only had the opportunity to know her for a few short months, half a year at best, but I learned so much from her through the research I was conducting under her guidance. Her thoughtful advice, as someone only removed from grad school by a few years, was also very influential in my plans for my year off after graduation. This post is in tribute to Dr. Sarah Kulkofsky, who will be missed dearly by everyone who knew her and who was taken from us too soon.
I’ve been loving this Office Depot coupon that I found over at Bucktown Bargains! It’s a $10 off $20 coupon that’s valid from 10/17-11/20 and you can use it on technology, furniture, supplies and more! I’ve used it three times already to buy mailing envelopes for my online shop, address labels, Sharpies, and HP printer ink. It’s an awesome deal, especially for the printer ink because it’s normally so expensive. Just thought I’d share with everyone!